Monday, May 13, 2013

Eating My Emotions

Yesterday was not a good day....

Yesterday my ghosts got the best of me....

Yesterday I ate my emotions....

Yesterday, as I ate my emotions...I knew I was doing it....but could not stop it...

Yesterday I was very, very sad...

Today...is a new day...

Today I will make better choices...

Today I will not berate myself for yesterday...

Today I remember why I am trying to learn to eat in my 40's...

Today I feel like crap because of my food choices...

Today, I have a food hangover...

TTFN...must tend the dragons...

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Fear

How do you address the fear in your world? I mean fear that seems unreasonable to others because they don't understand.  Like the fear that people watching you are just waiting for you to fail and gain all the weight back. Like your significant other, that they won't like the person you really are, the one under the fat that has been waiting to get out. Like your "friends" that already seem to not be happy with you or for you. Like the people who when they find out your are loosing weight ask you if you have thought about gastric-bypass.

I have a dear friend and she and her husband have been working toward having weight loss surgery...they are discovering that they really don't need the surgery...they are loosing it on their own right now...both have done an incredible job...who knew you had to loose 5% of your weight to have the surgery...anyway...I love talking to her about their loss of weight because they are doing the same thing I am, portions and hopefully soon I will add exercise to the program.

Exercise...hmmmm...there is a huge fear there...how stupid will I look? How many people will make fun of me?  Will I get harassed? Will I get teased? Should I join a gym? Should I just start to walk? What if I want to exercise but don't want to be watched? Then, lets talk about Barbie in the spandex that weighs about as much as my leg...she intimidates me...A LOT...

Oh! Sagging skin!  Is there going to be sagging skin? If so, is the weight loss worth it?

Yes, I have fear. I have a lot of fear. Most of it unreal and unreasonable. Am I dealing with it?  I'm here writing about it...so yes, I am trying to deal with it...one day and one less bite at a time...

TTFN...my dragons are calling...

Monday, May 6, 2013

Loneliness

First off, I've hit my first goal...I have lost 10% of my body weight and have started on my 2nd 10%...I weighed in at the drs. today at 287.5 lbs...I WAS STOKED!!!

Stats...
     Beginning Weight.....322 lbs.
     Current Weight..........287.5 lbs.

Total Loss To Date..........34.5 lbs.

Next goal........................261.0 lbs.

Onward we go...

Now, on to loneliness...has anyone out there, assuming anyone is reading, noticed that as you change your diet and start learning to take care of yourself, that people tend to give you the cold shoulder?  I have been used to my female friends doing that...but...my partner is the one doing it...and my children.

You would think that they would be happy...but they don't seem to be...they seem angry...and that hurts.

I have a friend that does Food Addicts and she said I would probably enjoy the meetings...I may go.

TTFN...

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Anger

I think that people forget to tell you that when you decide to stop eating your issues...when you really start to deal with them...that there is anger. Deep seated, soul searing, mind numbing...anger.

Anger with yourself for where you have allowed yourself to get, because let's face it, we do this to ourselves...take responsibility folks...we, you and I, do this to ourselves. Anger with the people that we have allowed to make us feel the way we do, to drive us to self destruct.

Anger for the way we have felt helpless for years and years and there was no one to help us because we could not help ourselves...

I say we...I mean me. I have to take responsibility for my size and my decisions and my actions...

Anger...I am angry...

That statement, much like learning how to eat, sounds so simple...it really isn't.

I was raised in a home where anger was not allowed. You swallowed it, sometimes much more literally than others. You held it close and private. It really didn't matter that it was the fact that your mother left and had no contact...it didn't matter that your father was not around and preferred others to you...nor did it matter that you lived in a house that found you a burden...and made it clear you were...

It has taken me 42 years to finally say...enough. I'm tired and sore and angry and so, so ready for change...So to have change...I am the one that has to change.

I had to decide that this year, 2013, that I am worth the trouble...that I deserve to be treated better...that I, as a human being, am worth the effort...much, much easier said than done.

Is it bad that my scale is my best friend and my worst enemy? I step on that thing everyday at 5:30 am...everyday...I watch those numbers and they set the mood for the day. If they have started to rise, I adjust my day...if they are lower than I was the day before, I get excited.

Funny thing, I am sure there are those out there who would say that I am disturbed...yes, I am...but I am taking control...I am taking responsibility...

TTFN...my dragons need attention...

Sunday, April 14, 2013

It seems so easy...

It's funny...the title of this blog...Learning how to eat?!...why everyone knows how to eat...but as with so many other things in life...it really is not that simple.

I'm a big girl...a very big girl...In May of 2012 I weighed in at 322 pounds and 5 feet tall. I was literally a rectangle...At my drs visit on Friday April 6, 2013...I weighed in at 292 pounds...30 pounds in a year? It doesn't seem like much, but oh, let me tell you...it's a mountain of weight...oh, did I mention that I am in my 40's and in early menopause? This also makes for interesting things...

I had something of a screwed up childhood, but nothing that was any worse or as bad as some, I had a home and food and clothes...the things that I needed, which, is a lot more than a lot of people can say about their childhoods...Like many people...I ate my issues...

Here, I hope to be able to work through some of my issues and continue to get healthier and loose more weight...

If you are here for sunshine and roses...leave now. There will be some sunshine and roses, but there are going to be a lot of ugly things and sadness and anger and depression...unfortunately, that is all part of life...

TTFN...off to tend the dragons...