Anger

I think that people forget to tell you that when you decide to stop eating your issues...when you really start to deal with them...that there is anger. Deep seated, soul searing, mind numbing...anger.

Anger with yourself for where you have allowed yourself to get, because let's face it, we do this to ourselves...take responsibility folks...we, you and I, do this to ourselves. Anger with the people that we have allowed to make us feel the way we do, to drive us to self destruct.

Anger for the way we have felt helpless for years and years and there was no one to help us because we could not help ourselves...

I say we...I mean me. I have to take responsibility for my size and my decisions and my actions...

Anger...I am angry...

That statement, much like learning how to eat, sounds so simple...it really isn't.

I was raised in a home where anger was not allowed. You swallowed it, sometimes much more literally than others. You held it close and private. It really didn't matter that it was the fact that your mother left and had no contact...it didn't matter that your father was not around and preferred others to you...nor did it matter that you lived in a house that found you a burden...and made it clear you were...

It has taken me 42 years to finally say...enough. I'm tired and sore and angry and so, so ready for change...So to have change...I am the one that has to change.

I had to decide that this year, 2013, that I am worth the trouble...that I deserve to be treated better...that I, as a human being, am worth the effort...much, much easier said than done.

Is it bad that my scale is my best friend and my worst enemy? I step on that thing everyday at 5:30 am...everyday...I watch those numbers and they set the mood for the day. If they have started to rise, I adjust my day...if they are lower than I was the day before, I get excited.

Funny thing, I am sure there are those out there who would say that I am disturbed...yes, I am...but I am taking control...I am taking responsibility...

TTFN...my dragons need attention...

It seems so easy...

It's funny...the title of this blog...Learning how to eat?!...why everyone knows how to eat...but as with so many other things in life...it really is not that simple.

I'm a big girl...a very big girl...In May of 2012 I weighed in at 322 pounds and 5 feet tall. I was literally a rectangle...At my drs visit on Friday April 6, 2013...I weighed in at 292 pounds...30 pounds in a year? It doesn't seem like much, but oh, let me tell you...it's a mountain of weight...oh, did I mention that I am in my 40's and in early menopause? This also makes for interesting things...

I had something of a screwed up childhood, but nothing that was any worse or as bad as some, I had a home and food and clothes...the things that I needed, which, is a lot more than a lot of people can say about their childhoods...Like many people...I ate my issues...

Here, I hope to be able to work through some of my issues and continue to get healthier and loose more weight...

If you are here for sunshine and roses...leave now. There will be some sunshine and roses, but there are going to be a lot of ugly things and sadness and anger and depression...unfortunately, that is all part of life...

TTFN...off to tend the dragons...